The killers just came on my Ipod and my stomach dropped because they are coming Friday not too far from me. They are by far one of my favorite bands, and I had been waiting for them to come back but I'm gonna miss them because I don't have $88 in mypocket! but at least I get to see Coldplay.. (: I'm gunna make one of those really cool space shirts for the show. awwh I could have made one for the killer and put space woman on it... :( I need to stop being so greedy, yell at me please? Tel me to stop being so greedy and disappointed that I don't get to see Brandon's oh-so-sexy as.s... I get to love Chris Martin from afar. <3 But my god I love Brandon's moostache(: He could have my virginity if he asked. His stupid wife:(
it'll cost me a ton of babysitting but still... My cousin was all like ewe I don't even like coldplay,I'm going to have to open your eyes to good music .. and I was all fu.ck you I'd rather take my mommy!
So, I found a self-help teen book downstairs that my mom had bought me years ago and I never took a second look at it simply because I thought that it was bs. Yesterday my only thought about it was what could I lose from reading it, and what could I possibly gain? I have yet to finish it or got too far into but one of the beginning chapters is about loving yourself... (book's called no body's perfect) as I began to tread it I began to have a revelation, that I don't love myself and yet I'm expecting other people to love me. This summer I wanted other people to love me, thinking that I might begin to love myself. and then the thought occurred to me that I have people who love me and yet I don't love myself anymore.. and then another thought occurred to me .. when people call me beautiful I brush it off, thinking that they simply pity me and are trying to make me feel better, but when people criticize me I don't hesitate to believe it because I genuinely believe it. Do want to know what's ironic? A girl who I knew at my old school, a girl who told me one of the meanest things about myself I had ever heard, own this shirt in the set... This girl had told me (and I don't think I'll ever forget) that I was ugly and that was why I had no friends and that nobody liked me and secretly everybody hated me.. I didn't think twice about believing her because these similar thoughts had crossed my mind. I remember not sticking up for myself because I believed that she was only stating the truth and I went home and I told my mom that I wasn't angry at her, that I was angry at myself, because I agreed with her. I look around at all these powerful characters and I envy them, and I had stupidly thought all this time that what made them powerful was the people that adored them not the person inside, the only thing I truly envied was their confidence because they accepted themselves and nobody screwed with them because it was pointless because they didn't care. and that's what attracted me to them and I'm sure that's why they had people who adored them. I've come to the revelation that unless I learn to love myself nobody will be attracted to me because all though I don't realize it and have been told this before, I put a barrier up between me and other people and come a crossed as unapproachable..
I was feeling really apprehensive about whether I should keep my blabberings up but I decided that I should and that I would. I've been feeling really down lately because I'm wasting my summer and this was supposed to be the summer that I changed everything. It's just I have so many things that I want to change in such a short period of time that I'm not sure what to prioritize, but I'm winding up doing nothing. I just don't want high school to be like all of my other experiences. I just want to feel okay being me so that its easier to stand on my two feet. I want to do something risky, kind of put my self out into shark infested waters and attempt to learn something, maybe come back a changed person. I don't know whether I'm fighting myself and expecting that I change into another person or I know that the real me is somewhere deep inside. It sounds strange describing myself like I'm not myself it's just that nobody sees me for who I really am except for the people closet to me.
The ideas that if I lost weight I would be happier began to manifest and grow out of control. I'm ashamed to admit it now but I began to obsess over it. I would consume myself with thinspo sites and I began to starve myself. I told myself now that I was never anorexic because I was never extremely heavy but I know deep down I dabbled with anorexia. To be honest I don't know what my lowest weight was but I'm the type of person who weighs 114 and looks like I weigh a lot less. That's besides the point, anyway this went on till about May of this year.. but go back till about July. July something I went to my cousins in Florida for her graduation and I went with my beloved uncle and cousins. I felt terrified not having any security blankets with me like my brother or my parents.Throughout the whole trip all I heard was people asking me why I was so quiet or talking behind my back about how quiet I was. . . So almost the whole trip sucked until one of the last nights. My cousin's graduation party. I'm not quite sure how it started but I started to get a bit tipsy and this is where I began to feel like myself.I had never felt so comfortable and I had never thought so clearly and I felt like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders. This is where the hope that I could feel like this all the time began.I began 8th grade at my old school and the beginning of it was horrible. I don't even know where to begin. Everyday I felt this unbearable panic on the way to school, to the point where I had to physically forced into the car. I refused to go I would threaten suicide, around this time I felt the worst about this. nobody took me seriously though which broke my heart. I wasn't looking for attention I just would have done anything to make that feeling of panic go away. I can't even begin to describe it. I began missing school and things between me and my mom were at its worst. I wasn't angry any more which made it so much worse, I was just sad. I had never felt so lonely which is ironic because I had gotten exactly what I wanted, to go back to school. I should have been careful about what I wished for. I began to go to school regularly because I had no other choice. I went from therapist to therapist but nothing helped, it was like the sports thing I went to them once and never went back. I started to gain friends and be more social even though I felt like I wasn't myself. i remember going home and torturing myself over all the things I did to embarrass myself that day. . . for some reason I'm laughing at this.. Meanwhile i was discovering from the many therapists that I had something called social anxiety. Something I had never heard of before. I can't describe the hope I felt when it was confirmed that what I was feeling wasn't normal and that I wasn't a shy person I just suffered with anxiety. Imagine how I felt when I discovered that there was treatments.. I began my medicine in May just around the time I began to careless about how I looked. I felt different then I felt with the alcohol. It wasn't so extreme and I didn't feel comfortable like I did. When I was at school my medicine was suppressed and so when I got out I was all hyper and crazy. So I didn't feel exactly like myself but I began to see fragments of me. I'm no where near better. Sometimes I don't even think the medicine is doing anything but I like to know that I'm taking it for some reason. Do you know when Ron thought that Harry put the luck potion in his cup? He felt like he could play better because of it even though he didn't even take it. That's kind of how it works for me. For example I asked this guy out for a friend and lets put aside that he was a complete douche, I felt a bit untouchable because I was taking the medicine.I'm not saying the medicine wasn't doing anything because it does a lot for me. It just doesn't work like the alcohol did. The alcohol gave me a voice while the medicine made the feeling. that everyone had me under a microscope.go away. I'm not all the way there and I want to write about my journey on ward.
Message me if you have any questions, or if you need advice or just a shoulder to lean on.
I have grown up being labeled as that "shy" girl, but reality I'm not very shy, I just suffer from social anxiety. I've grown tired of supporting the idea that I'm a nobody and I'm finally going to do something about it...